i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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