i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Small penises have feelings too.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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