I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
