Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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