my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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