im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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