i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
