My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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