I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
