I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
