i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
