My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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