my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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