wrigley field is MILF paradise
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
