Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
