How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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