I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
