im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
