I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
