I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
