Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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