I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
