My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
