she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
