Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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