got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
