I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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