the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
