dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
