I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
