ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
