Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
