So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
