im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
