Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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