How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
