So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize