Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
