Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He felt like a one man threesome
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
