plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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