I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize