i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
