you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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