I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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