he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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