Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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