Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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