If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
