I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
