Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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