Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
