just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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