i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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