you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
