if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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