We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
