How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
