she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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