i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
